Revision of Community Paper-Introduction

The idea of approaching a piece of your own finished writing that is in serious need of revision is difficult, not only for the obvious amount of work involved, but also because it can be something that a person might prefer to leave behind them and never revisit...ever. In being required to choose a sample of writing to be revised, the obvious choice for me was my 2^nd course essay written during the 'community unit'. The paper prompt: Primary Question: What is the function of communities in our lives? Secondary considerations: What are the costs and benefits? Are they positive influences in our lives? Are they negative influences? Are they both, with one side stronger than the other? Are they about the common good or do they foster conformity? Are there benefits to society as a whole? Is our self-interest connected to the interests of others? Is there a sacrifice of an inner-life or self-identity in the need to belong? Hmmm...not exactly thrilled that I chose this thesis but here it is: The function of communities in our lives is to provide opportunity to participate in society by serving as an outlet for expressing identity, as well as an avenue for building relationships.

When revisiting the paper, I decided not to throw out the entire thesis and start from scratch because that would not have really demonstrated 're-writing', as much as 'new writing'. So, in working with what I had, I felt like many of the problems came from the wording of the thesis so I have made some changes to it. New thesis: Communities function as a way for people to participate in society and to express their identity, thus giving them a sense of value. I struggled a great deal with the intention of the prompt for this assignment and think that I may have missed the boat on the general goal of the paper. I have, however, tried to make changes to the paper that I believe make it a higher quality, more understandable essay. Most of the other changes that I made were in re-wording, combining paragraphs (which were originally too short) and cutting out unnecessary text, such as the following statement which was located in the middle of the first paragraph. “ “I don’t think society would exist without communities. Society is the collection of them." This is aptly apparent if we try to consider the existence of a society without communities. I felt that this was distracting text so I nixed it, along with several other comments. We were instructed to build on the thesis in order to bring home it's argument in a clear and concise way and I believe the re-write of this piece does a much better job of accomplishing this. From this process, I have certainly learned that there is a vast difference between thoughts making sense in my head and the clear expression of those thoughts on paper.